Put Your Money Where Your Cheeks Are

We got our eyes on this financial crisis because, well, we're money-grubbing gold diggers. But we're just not so sure about this $700 billion bailout. That's a lot of bones. Cheekbones, that is!

Not joking. There is a whole mötley crüe, er, crew of bitches at the center of this crisis. And sadly, not one of these motley finance crew members tallies a rating on the Chertoff Cheekbone Scale© remotely close to that of any member of seminal 1980's hair band Mötley Crüe, including today's puffy version of Vince Neil, who barely makes a CSS© 6. Talk about a great depression...

We're upset. And we're not sure things are going to look up anytime soon because it's a proven fact---in our minds---that the lower one's score on the CCS©, the shittier they are with finances. Oh damn. To steal a line from Full Metal Jacket's Private Joker, "We're in a world of shit."

EXHIBIT A: Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson

Look at this fool. Just look at him. We have a hard time trusting him with our money for three reasons:

1) His eyebrows look like little Hitler mustaches;

2) He looks a little too much like Judge Doom, the villain in titular 1990s half-animated classic, Who Framed Roger Rabbit; and

3) Those sad little cheekbones.

Rating: CSS© 5.

EXHIBIT B: Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke

Oh, Ben. We like that you're trying. Well, you're not necessarily trying to do your job, but at least your trying to accentuate your bone structure with your grizzly bear style facial fuzz. It's something.

Just not something we trust. How much of our money have you been giving to your barber to shave you just so? Twenty dollars per week? A hundred? Umm...$700 billion?

We do like your shiny head, however. We want to rub it. In a non-sexual, platonic manner only.

Rating: CSS© 4.

EXHIBIT C: Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), Chairman of the House Committee on Financial Services

Remember that show with the big purple dinosaur named Barney? Us too. Now remember the theme song? That "I love you/ You love me/ We like bestiality" hippie nonsense? We loved that hippie nonsense...

Except we don't love Barney Frank. Don't get us wrong---we want to! But we just can't trust him with our cash money! And while it's probably pretty evident that when we say "cash money" we actually mean "loose change we find on the street," we just can't let a man with such spongey bone structure plan our financial future for us. We have big plans for those nickels and dimes, like gumballs, penny trinkets and swimming in it Uncle Scrooge style. We can dream.

Rating: CSS© 2.5

EXHIBIT D: Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), Chairman of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs

We give it up to Dodd for his thick head of white hair, his relaxed attire and his fun little jazz hands, but this ain't Broadway. This is Chertoff's Motherfucking Fabulous Bone Structure. Recognize.

It's too bad because we'd love to see Dodd break out in a couple numbers from Cats, specifically, a rendition of Rum Tum Tugger: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat/ And there isn't any call for me to shout it./ For he will do as he do do/ And there's no doing anything about it!

Too bad we can't do something about those waxy cheekbones. Sigh.

Rating: CSS© 4.5.

Verdict: Goodbye, life savings ($0.77).