Saturday, July 28, 2007

100 Percent Cheekbone Screening

CFBS found a new Congressional crush -- Rep. Ed Markey. He's the Norm Coleman of the House of Representatives, minus the Davinci veneers. Oh, and also minus being a Republican. The two went head-to-head last week in the 9/11 bill conference about 100 percent offshore cargo screening, and, believe it or not, Norm's veneers didn't intimidate Ed, who ended up getting his 100 percent screening amendment on the final bill. Ed's just trying to catch a nuke before it hits the blessed "Homeland." But I'll tell you what's "da bomb" -- Ed's bone structure!


We realize this is an old photo, but his latest photos just don't do his cheekbones justice. But we can tell you, in the flesh, Ed's got it going on. Especially if he's standing next to most of his colleagues. The man also knows the power of an excellent prop:


Because nothing says security like a bright yellow sticker.

For the sheer ingenuity of that prop as well as for your respectable score on the CSS© (a solid 8), we salute you, Ed Markey. You add pizazz and fine bone structure to this great nation's fight against terrorists, who have the technological expertise to manufacture and transport a nuclear bomb, but not to forge a sticker. Salut!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Cheekbones, Barbarism & the Most Powerful (& Oldest) Senator on Earth

Robert Byrd loves dogs. Like a lot.

We respect that. If someone ever tried to train our fictional dogs Steve and Scooter to fight each other in a room filled with ex-NFL players (Michael Vick), who go by the alias Ron Mexico (Michael Vick), we'd turn to Sen. Byrd to save 'em.



Barbaric. Bar-bar-ic!

Hmm... you'd almost think he was talking about war or some other truly pressing issue that may decide the direction of the entire world as we know it. Whatevs -- as long as Steve and Scooter are safe.

Seriously, though, Byrd is not only the oldest, but probably the most powerful man on the Hill, holding not only the title of longest running Senator in office, but also the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee. If he wants money to go to the dogs, it sure as hell will.

You'd think a man of such power, would dominate on the CSS©, but evidently, power and bone structure need not go hand it hand.


Hmmm, that's about a 3.5, however, let's keep in mind he's like 149 years old.

Let's look back in time.


Whoops! Still a CSS© 3.5! But we'll bump it up to 4 because he's watching out for future Steve and Scooter.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Kim Jong Il Shuts Down Nuke Reactor, Remains Insane (and hideous!)

Kim Jong Il (aka Krazy Kim aka Yury Irenovich -- we kid you not, he was born in the USSR!) shut down one of North Korea's nuclear reactors (there's five), according to the International Atomic Energy Agency. They say Krazy Kim agreed to this in hopes that the international community would drop economic sanctions, thus, opening the doors to the free trade of Aquanet to maintain Krazy Kim's ridiculous hot mess of hair/wig.


Dang, that shit really is retarded. Clearly he's trying to compensate for his lack of fab bone structure. Honestly, we don't know if he even qualifies for a McCain-ranking on the CSS©...Eh, he's already on someone else's fantastical axis. We'll just leave it at that. His crazy coiffe, however, gets a 9. Damn, that's structure!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Cheeky Guts, or Gutsy Cheeks?



His gut might be wrong, Olbermann, but those cheekbones are so right!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Sexy Senatorial Summer Series: Norm Coleman

Welcome to the inaugural edition of CFBS's Sexy Senatorial Summer Series! [Applause] The only summer series that points out the sexiness of U.S. senators. And, although we probably don't need to tell you, we'll be using this term "sexiness" in the loosest possible manner -- think of it as more like not as un-sexy as most other senators...in fact, let's just say that rule goes for this entire blog.

Anyway... let's get down to bizness!

Our very first Sexy Senator is Norm Coleman (R-Minn.). OK, so Norm may not be a Barry Obama (who, btw, will not be included in CFBS's SSSS because it's just too obvious -- i.e. he's not 105 years old), but he certainly deserves a shout out in this series.


Dang! Just look at those choppers! So they might be DaVinci veneers... we're cool with that. And yes, he might be slightly "fairy-like," as one CFBS contributor described him, or maybe even a true 'mo, as another CFBS affiliate said. Again, it doesn't matter! For the love of all that is slightly sexy in the Senate, at least he's not this:


Hmmm...is that Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) or Jabba the Hut?


Close call. Anyway, back to our SSSS. Whether you dig Norm's exceptionally high forehead and dentures or not, you gotta agree that his bone structure is fairly impeccable. Just look at that Midwestern symmetry! You betchya, that's a solid 8 on the CSS©!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Fruits of Our Cheekbones

When it comes to getting work done, the Senate doesn’t fail...at least on the important issues. No, not Iraq or immigration (yawn and double-yawn), but WATERMELON! Yum!

That's right, after introducing their epic legislation on June 29, Saxby Chambliss (a.k.a Sexy Shambles) and Johnny Isakson (a.k.a. Jis), two Republican senators from Georgia, finally pushed through Res. 262 on June 9, "Declaring July 2007 as 'National Watermelon Month.'" Tastee!

Basically, if you don't buy, sell or otherwise partake in the snacking on of watermelon, you might just be put on the terrorist watch list.

But could incessant watermelon intake, result in less than Chertoffesque cheekbones? CFBS is tempted to conclude that it does. Perhaps, because it requires less jaw movement (rumor has it that Chertoff feasts solely on terrorist-jerky), the cheekbones just can't burn enough calories to stay in prime shape. Let's have a look at these watermelon-hooking senators:














Wow. Just wow. Looks like the Senate should have debated this whole "Watermelon month" thing a bit more. Jis(on the left) looks like he's melting. He's a CSS© 2 -- on a good day. Sexy Shambles(on the right) fairs slightly better than his cohort on the CSS©, but not nearly enough to outweigh his nascent watermelon jowls – 4, tops.

O Cheekbones! My Cheekbones!

Mike Gravel (former Senator from Alaska, current Dem presidential candidate) has produced some YouTube spots so existential in their natural spirituality that some have compared him to the Transcendentalists of yore. The LA Times writes "Mike Gravel is to political advertising what Ralph Waldo Emerson is to the essay, Walt Whitman to poetry." The more politically and artistically astute might wonder -- is the modern-day political ad an art form capable of comparison to great poetry and prose? Is it appropriate to compare the artistic merits of a fringe presidential candidate to those of our country's greatest literary minds? We, however, ask - how do those cheekbones stand up! We turn to the CCS© for answers...


1. Walt Whitman

On the CCS©, Walt gets a solid 7. Those cheekbones are looking mighty damn high. Bone structure like that would normally get an 8, but, unfortunately, his crazy old man beard makes it difficult to judge the strength of his jaw-line.









2. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Again with the cheekbones! It seems all of that time reading the Bhagavad Gita while holed up in some cabin in the middle of nowhere does wonders for the bone structure. We admit that the nose is a bit distracting, but again, with cheekbones that high, we can go no lower than a 7 on the CCS©.





3. Mike Gravel

.......And then there is Mike Gravel. Gravel barely rings in at a 4, and thats a very, very generous 4. While making a 7 minute video of a fire smoldering might say transcendental to some, the cheekbones don't lie!

Monday, July 9, 2007

Battle of the Pauls

vs.












It may not look like it at first, but this competition is FIERCE! On the left, Republican presidential candidate and Interweb sensation Ron Paul. On the right, self-proclaimed "Supermodel of the World" and 1990s sensation RuPaul. Let's battle!

Round 1: RuPaul, who's 6'7", sashés over and starts to vogue. Ron Paul, an OB/GYN by profession, attempts to deliver a baby from RuPaul. "You better work!" Unfortunately, there was no work to be done... Winner: RuPaul

Round 2: Ron Paul, who's wearing comfort shoes, goes Muhammad Ali on RuPaul's ass, who's wearing typical 8" tranny heels -- not the best in which to spar. "Float like a butterfly, and sting like tax hike, bitch!" Winner: Ron Paul

It all comes down to Round 3, the Chertoff Cheekbone Scale: RuPaul is a solid 9; Ron Paul, on the other hand, barely clocks in at a 5. He may be the "Champion of the Constitution," but he certainly isn't champion of the CSS©. Luckily for Ron Paul, he doesn't need Chertoffesque bone structure perfection to be our honorary grandfather! When can we go fishing?!

The Lady and the Chertoff


CFBS received its first request for review -- Dana Perino. You may be asking, "Who the hell is that?" So did we. Turns out she's Bush's deputy press secretary aka Tony Snow's No. 2. aka Katie Couric impersonator?



Um...yeah. Dan Rather doesn't like Katie "Dumb It Down, Tart It Up" Couric, and neither do we. However, having never seen Perino on the job (as they say, "if it ain't Tony Snow, it ain't worth watchin'"), CFBS can't say how much Perino is tarting up White House public affairs, but she sure is tarting up the CCS© (Chertoff Cheekbone Scale)! She lands in at an 8, just two points shy of Chertoff cheekbone perfection. Congratulations, girlfriend!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Who Wouldn't Pardon These Dimples!

On the CCS (Chertoff Cheekbone Scale©), I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby rings in at a solid 7. His angular face has the symmetry that makes one wonder if he did some part-time modeling to pay his way through law school.

Cheekbones like these do not belong behind bars!

Friday, July 6, 2007

The Chertoff Cheekbone Scale



For the purposes of the blog, it is necessary to set a scale in order to quantify the superficial judgements to be made about government officials' bone structures adequately. Clearly, at the top of the scale are Chertoff's cheek bones (see previous post). At the bottom of the scale we have Sen. John McCain or this hamster:






Or anyone else with equally loveable jowls, like Mickey Rooney.

Michael Chertoff's Fabulous Bone Structure: An Introduction




Boom!

Fighting terrorism with the highest cheekbones in the biz.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff boasts the best bone structure in the U.S. government.

Embrace it.

Cherish it.

Love it.