Put Your Money Where Your Cheeks Are

We got our eyes on this financial crisis because, well, we're money-grubbing gold diggers. But we're just not so sure about this $700 billion bailout. That's a lot of bones. Cheekbones, that is!

Not joking. There is a whole mötley crüe, er, crew of bitches at the center of this crisis. And sadly, not one of these motley finance crew members tallies a rating on the Chertoff Cheekbone Scale© remotely close to that of any member of seminal 1980's hair band Mötley Crüe, including today's puffy version of Vince Neil, who barely makes a CSS© 6. Talk about a great depression...

We're upset. And we're not sure things are going to look up anytime soon because it's a proven fact---in our minds---that the lower one's score on the CCS©, the shittier they are with finances. Oh damn. To steal a line from Full Metal Jacket's Private Joker, "We're in a world of shit."

EXHIBIT A: Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson

Look at this fool. Just look at him. We have a hard time trusting him with our money for three reasons:

1) His eyebrows look like little Hitler mustaches;

2) He looks a little too much like Judge Doom, the villain in titular 1990s half-animated classic, Who Framed Roger Rabbit; and

3) Those sad little cheekbones.

Rating: CSS© 5.

EXHIBIT B: Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke

Oh, Ben. We like that you're trying. Well, you're not necessarily trying to do your job, but at least your trying to accentuate your bone structure with your grizzly bear style facial fuzz. It's something.

Just not something we trust. How much of our money have you been giving to your barber to shave you just so? Twenty dollars per week? A hundred? Umm...$700 billion?

We do like your shiny head, however. We want to rub it. In a non-sexual, platonic manner only.

Rating: CSS© 4.

EXHIBIT C: Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), Chairman of the House Committee on Financial Services

Remember that show with the big purple dinosaur named Barney? Us too. Now remember the theme song? That "I love you/ You love me/ We like bestiality" hippie nonsense? We loved that hippie nonsense...

Except we don't love Barney Frank. Don't get us wrong---we want to! But we just can't trust him with our cash money! And while it's probably pretty evident that when we say "cash money" we actually mean "loose change we find on the street," we just can't let a man with such spongey bone structure plan our financial future for us. We have big plans for those nickels and dimes, like gumballs, penny trinkets and swimming in it Uncle Scrooge style. We can dream.

Rating: CSS© 2.5

EXHIBIT D: Sen. Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), Chairman of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs

We give it up to Dodd for his thick head of white hair, his relaxed attire and his fun little jazz hands, but this ain't Broadway. This is Chertoff's Motherfucking Fabulous Bone Structure. Recognize.

It's too bad because we'd love to see Dodd break out in a couple numbers from Cats, specifically, a rendition of Rum Tum Tugger: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat/ And there isn't any call for me to shout it./ For he will do as he do do/ And there's no doing anything about it!

Too bad we can't do something about those waxy cheekbones. Sigh.

Rating: CSS© 4.5.

Verdict: Goodbye, life savings ($0.77).

Foot in His Cheek

Although we have no opinions on politicians other than how structured their cheekbones are over here at CFBS, we must admit Vice Prezidential nominee Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.) makes us smile. He's got a big ass mouth and we love that. And his voice, unlike a certain Alaskan, doesn't make us want to stab ourselves in the inner ear drum with a chisel sharper than a Chertoff cheek -- butt cheek, that is, so you know that shit would be sharp. (He's a skinny bitch!)

What's not that sharp, however (although compared to Chertoff's bone structure, not much is), are Biden's mular bones. Yeah, his cheek bones, unfortunately, are not as entertaining as his verbal gaffes. However, he still clocks in at a respectable 6.5 on the Chertoff Cheekbone Scale©. So, he does OK for himself, especially paired with B.O. -- and, for once, we ain't talkin' 'bout body odor! We're talking about Barack Obama, who gives Heir Chertoff a run for his bone structure fabulousness, meaning Joe and Bar combined average out at a pretty well-rounded 8.75 on the a CCS©.

Doing some highly scientific calculating of the GOP candid8s, we find Palin (a CCS© 8) and McCain (a CCS© 0), er, McCain and Palin (our bad) clocking in at a lowly 4. Unless they add the zygomatic power of the one and only Chertoff to the mix, we think the Democrats have this one in the [douche]bag. Regardless, we at CFBS will keep our ears to the streets and our eyes to the cheeks. It's called the truth and it's all we know.

The Call of the Cheekbones

As, McCain-y as McCain is, we here at Chertoff's Fabulous Bone Structure, your number one source for information regarding politicians' cheekbones, understand why he chose self-proclaimed "pitbull with lipstick" Sarah Palin as his running mate. She's a solid 8 on the Chertoff Cheekbone Scale©! Up there with effin' Perino!

Now, whether of not you're for or against Palin's alleged book burnings, there is no denying that with her on the McCain ticket, she'll help boost his bone structure status, and thus garner more votes for the GOP. Remember, before Palin (BP), McCain was hovering alone in Mickey Rooney territory, a big-jowled zero on the CCS©. Palin is turning his ticket around and we know it's certainly not because of her smarts. It's her Chertoff-esque bone structure! Trust us, we've conducted a scientific poll at the CFBS headquarters. We know what we're talking about. Sort of. Whatever. We want candy.

Cheekbones of Change

Barack Obama has run on a platform of change. While we don't know if it will be successful since politicians generally h8 change, we know one thing for certain -- Obama has the power to flip the Chertoff Cheekbone Scale© on its...on its...uh, other side? Whatever. You get what we mean.

Anychiseledcheekbones, let's return to Obama. Have you seen his bone structure? It's like a gift straight from the zygomatic gods. Wait! Scratch that! It's not like a gift; it is a gift. It's a gift we here at CFBS are thankful for each and every day.

The current holder of the Mr. Fabulous Bone Structure title, however, one Michael Chertoff, Esq., may not be so thankful. After all, Obama is poised to become the most powerful holder of fabulous cheekbones in all the Free World. So, what's a slight man to do?

Normally, we'd suggest Chertoff drop a few pounds in order to really accentuate those bones, but while starving yourself for better bone structure is encouraged here at CFBS, we can't advise such a tactic for Chertoff. Maintaining cheekbones sharp enough to cut any terrorist is a top priority around here, but so is, ya know, stayin' physically alive and stuff. Chertoff is but a wee, sliver of a man. We want to dine on grilled cheese and freedom fries with him and his fabulous bone structure, not encourage manorexia. Oh Chertoff! You know you're cheekbones will always be a 10 to us!

But Obama? Obama's cheekbones are a frickin' 11! If that ain't hope, we don't know what is...

We're Back, More Fabulous & Structure-y Than Ever!

We here at CFBS would like to apologize for our rather long blog vacation. The thing is, those first 12 posts were almost too much for us to digest. In other words, we blew our own minds. It happens.

But now, with the upcoming election and the dawning such fabulous bone structures as Barack Obama and Sarah Palin, we have decided to piece ourselves back together to help those who are undecided cast their votes for the right set of cheekbones this November.

But before we delve into the cheekbones destined for the Oval Office, let us first turn our short attention span to Rep. J. Gresham Barrett (R-S.C.), who we first encountered not long ago when we heard his name and the term "Blue Steel" used in the same sentence. As you can imagine, rampant Googling ensued. And just imagine how pleased we were when JGB's face popped up at the top of his own website doing his version of the Zoolander classic. God, he's good.



OMG! Was that Magnum!?

With cheekbones like those (he's just short of an 8 on the venerable CSS©), we really shouldn't be surprised. Dance, monkey, dance!